LOST INTEREST IN TRUST

October 2010:
My father died. Less than 3 hours after his funeral, this sister in law of mine, showed up her true color. Decided she’s going to introduce herself to my family as a big drama queen, she succeeded to make chaos in my big family. My mom and my uncle ( my mom’s youngest brother) fought. Our family get humiliated. I can only cry, to think that the soil on my father’s grave is not even dry up yet, but somebody already successfully and happily to turn my family upside down. And the person who doing it, is part of our main family member.

The next day, she added more drama while we still in deep grief. She fake a full syndrome of a maniac, and acted as it’s the result of  my mom abusing her. She acted so well, she even got hospitalized for days. The thing is, when all this happened, when she pretended and faking all the seizures, all her threats to jump off from 2nd floor of my house, my mom was not even presence. The logical reason sister in law acted this way was: she tried to get away with her act and turn the table on my mom. Since that day, she never stopped to make tactics just to show the world that my mom is an abusive evil witch, and she’s the victim. 

My brother did nothing.

He lets his wife get away with this drama act and humiliated our family to the bone. Meanwhile, in my ears, i can still hear his promises in front of my dad’s corpse, that he will take good care of us, mom and me, and middle brother. And i can still remember my brother saying in hospital while dad in comma, he will try his best to keep our family’s name stay good. 

Disappointed much? Tell me about it.

 

July 2011:
I got married. This is what my brother come up to me with words: I came because i have to, not because i want to. I cried my eyes off to his response. Already sad enough because i could not have my dad walk me down the aisle, and my oldest brother is the only person i imagine to sit down with my mom on the stage during reception; still my brother had the meanest response. I know we were fighting because sister in law decided to make humiliation project #2: by not coming to my wedding. I kind of expecting for her to come, to showed to us some decent apology, and my best intension to make up. I was so ready to forgive her. But apparently psycho sister in law of mine thought she’s too cool and too pretty to come to my wedding. She had to showed the whole wide world that our family still in chaos, and she refused to come to my wedding. 

Planning a wedding with 500 invitation for only 3 months preparing is already difficult enough, but i have to deal with the result my sister in law not coming to my wedding. The crap and bullshit, the annoying elderly comments from the family. I have to forgive her and my uncle everybody said. I have to invite my uncle, or my wedding is not going to be legally approved by the tribe tradition. I REFUSED to make traditional wedding, i didn’t want to spend more money for stupid things people told me to do anyway. But all those complicated craps that i had to deal with during my wedding; made me thinking:

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO HER, TO MY SISTER INLAW, THAT SHE KEEPS MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE SINCE I KNOW HER? I NEVER RUIN HER WEDDING, NEVER HUMILIATED HER FAMILY, SO WTH???

My brother apologized in behalf of his wife, but i refused to count that in. Nobody’s should take responsibility for other’s fault. And he PROMISED that his wife will apologize as soon as she get a chance. To me. To us.

Until today, there’s no such thing. No apologize nor congratulation wishes whatsoever to my wedding. And yes, people still think we’re family. 

 

Some little hiccups:
Some of friends been telling me (all the way previous to 3 years before the due date) to have a wedding in my hometown instead overseas. They made me believed that they really happy for me and really want to come to my wedding. And the thing is, lots of them could not make it. I still can understand. Until i hear their LAME excuses and reasons: TRAFFIC JAM. TRAFFIC JAM. TRAFFIC JAM. 

fyi: i pay A LOT MORE just to reserve and make my wedding reception on sunday night, just to make sure and full consideration of their convenience to come. And traffic jam in my hometown is happening everyday, every single hours these days. it’s unbearably unpredictable anymore. 
My answer: IT’S NOT LIKE EVERYDAY I GET MARRIED, YOU MORON. IT’S ONCE IN A LIFETIME OCCASION AND YOU MISSED IT JUST BECAUSE OF TRAFFIC JAM, AND YOU TOLD THAT TO MY FACE? 1*&*(&*^&*^&^&%^&(*()_)()^&^^%&^%!!!!!!!

Oh here’s another answer for a pregnant friend of mine: MY FEET HURTS. But yeah, i can come to other wedding and doing a lot of other things the next week according to the pictures on her Facebook page. NICE TRY.

 

 

January 2012:
Tricked, used and betrayed by a best friend for 20 something years. She left her family, a husband and two kids, using letter of reference to come to United States made by me. As a matter of fact, she’s run away with a guy who she met in some chatting room. She told her family that she’s visiting me. Her family asked me for her where-about being and i feel guilty as charged. She still missing in action after 6 months, and still mad at my self for trusting her, for giving in so easily, for not paying close attention when she told me about her crush over the internet. I am disappointed, she could not trusted me enough, not even drop a single email or a phone call to tell me if she’s okay or not.

I still have bad dreams, picturing her in a ditch somewhere. But on some days, i somehow day dreaming for some reason she will be showing up at my door.

 

I must have the most rotten luck in this year in social or friendship matter this year. I tried my best to become good friend, understanding sister, waiting for them to keep their promises. Like a beggar, i painfully waiting for them to give me some decent respect. Some empathy to understand that I, like them, have feelings. 

And the thing is; the most hurtful part is; is not about DONT MAKE PROMISES YOU CANT KEEP, but rather TRYING YOUR BEST TO KEEP YOUR PROMISES. Because sometimes, there’s a big difference between YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO and YOU CHOOSE YOU DONT WANT TO. 

 

 

It doesn’t matter

I know you don’t hate me, but you don’t care either. And that doesn’t make it less hurtful. 

 

 

Courage to let go

Surrender is not a sign of weakness. Sometimes it takes more courage and wisdom to surrender. It is harder for us, human, to let go things that does not  belong to us and to yield into reality…we’re always trying too hard to take control for everything in life.

And i’m freaking tired to put up with everybody’s circumstances and cleaning up crap after crap they left behind.

When life become (almost) unbearably hard.

Be calm my soul, Be patience my mind, Be strong my heart, Be still my faith….

He is working on us, He is the great artist who want to transform us from plain clay pottery into beautiful artifacts.

It hurts so bad in the process, but it will be wonderful at the end, on His time, when He, the best artist himself says “you are all done”

My Dad was a great man

Thank you Daddy,
For being such a dedicated father and husband in your entire life.

Thank you Daddy,
For being compassionate about your Faith in Him.
For your endless reminder to stay believing in Him. I remember going to church every sunday evenings with you Daddy. You hated me if i skipped church, you always said, there’s 24 hours times seven in a week, you can not just spare two hours to spend time with Him? And You always rushing me, because you hate to be late. You said to me firm and clear, if you can be on time meeting your friends for a movie, why cant you be on time to go to church? And you always asked me to dress properly, to look my best to praise Him. Daddy, how i missed those time we went to church together, and eating out having family dinner afterward. We were so silly Daddy, we usually fought a lot just because we can not decide where to go for dinner. I cherish those memories, Daddy.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For being such a loving father for your three children.
For being super fully committed and faithful to your marriage to my mom.
You never told me in words about faithfulness in love and marriage, but deeply i admire the way you show how much you always adore, respect and love momma. This might sounds like too good to be true, but never in my entire life i see nor hear you have interest in other woman. That is why Daddy, thank you for teaching me the important values in relationship and marriage. I always said to my ex-boyfriends back then i’m not really good dealing with cheating, since I look up to you Daddy.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For being so over-protective to me, treated me always like a crystal vase. I found it really annoying back then, called you paranoid, but i understand the reason is because you have a very challenging childhood. An orphan in young age, you just try your best to make your children have a better childhood, better education, better in everything than you had. You just don’t want any of your family get through all the pain and suffering you had. That is how much you love me, how much you love us.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For showing me to be a hard-worker when it comes to earning in life. You have to earn everything, and when there’s a will, there’s a way. You have to pray and also show fully efforts to get the best. Ora et Labora. Don’t wait until tomorrow what you can do today. Plan A Head. Those all your advises for many years as we grown up. Sorry if i sometimes rolling my eyes behind your back, you repeated almost every single day,but all those things you said are definitely true, and stick with me until now.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For showing me, and my brothers that nothing is impossible with prayers and hard work. From a struggling orphan at age nine, you achieved so many things, you get your dreams, you work and go to school almost your entire life….being so independent until you are at the top of the world, Director of Operation in PT. Pos Indonesia. You give your dedication to that company for 30 more years, became an international delegation and make Indonesia one of top list in International Postal Union, for many years. Indonesia needs more publications; you said. You are so proud of your country, Daddy. You work so hard to get our country noticed and get all attention in all international meetings you attended. I remember; you always be Mr. Congeniality in all those meetings and conferences,  all your international colleagues recognize and know you for your humors and friendly attitudes. They called you Mr. Tabasco, since you always ask for Tabasco in your lunch and dinner, you can’t stand all those bland western foods. You never forget to bring ulos, or other Indonesian souvenirs. You don’t care if you luggages became over-weight,  Once you even brought a whole set of mini angklungs. Yes, Daddy, i know you try your best to introduce Indonesia to all over the world.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For makes us proud. All your achievements, all your successes, all your interest in languages, knowledges. I always admire you, speaking many different languages. From English, French, Dutch, German, Bataknese, Javanese, Sundanese…all fluent, Daddy. I hope i can be just like you someday.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For teaching us always being humble. One of our relatives came after your funeral Daddy. He said what he remembered the most about you is your friendliness. You can always embrace everybody, anybody. Even though your Daddy is on the top of her success, he always welcome anybody, especially relatives who come to his house, he said. Your Daddy always want to sit down, spent time or have lunch on the same table with us, the nobody’s. He said he always get so touchy about that. He feels so respected and welcomed. Yes Daddy, that is so you. From the drivers, gardeners, construction workers,or simply administration officers, janitors, long lost relatives,whatever their occupation, you always say hi, thank you, or at least asking how they doing. That is why every time i came to your work after school, everybody treated me like a princess and always supply me with lots of food.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For giving us always the best that you can afford for us.
We all have a very good childhood, Daddy. Quite spoiled, if i have to say. You always provide the very best you can for us. Food, Life style, Money…but still in decent term. You never gave us too much of pocket money, so we know how to appreciate it. Especially when it comes to education, you always give us privilege to choose what we’re interested in. You never forced us to do or learn something we dont want to. You only asked to be committed and work hard for the major we choose. You are so liberal in this matter, Daddy. Many of my friends envy me, for their parents already set up a path for their career or future. You even supported me to choose Graphic Design, daddy. Back then, this major rarely exist, and there’s not too many people aware or even know what the heck it is. But you, Daddy, always believed in me. You told me that i have talent and encouraged me to go on. And Daddy, it’s amazing how you want to spent hours and hours when you on duty over seas, to go to art stores, book stores all over the town if you need to just to look for a single paint brush, designing books, even a set of crayola for me. Oh, and thank you for a very expensive 100 faber castells color pencils you bought for me, after we spent weeks to find it. You just gave your credit card at once to buy it, and i think you are happier than me when we find it. I still keep that thing back home in my study table back home, Daddy. It will always remind me of you.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For letting me go. Twice. (These probably the best gifts you ever give me, Daddy)
First, for letting me go to study overseas. All of my friends, our relatives even my self were totally surprised that you let me go to Arkansas for my graduate school, Daddy. All of living things know, you are super protected to all of your children, especially me, your only one daughter. You can not even let me roaming alone in book store, you always ask our driver to follow me into the store, even at the age of 20′s. (It’s embarrassing Daddy, most of the times….but even all my friends already gave up and too tired to tease me about it….:P, i try sneaked away from our driver…but i just dont have a heart sometimes, because i know he will be in a big trouble if he’s coming home without me). But Daddy, when you let me go in 2001 to study abroad, i more realized how much you loved me. You hold back your own feelings, your pressed your paranoia just to make sure i have a better future. I’m so proud and so happy, Daddy….you trusted me to be independent, you trusted me to get my future, you give me chances to achieve and pursue my dreams; experience life. That is why i worked so hard while im in school Daddy. Thank you Daddy. I grown up a lot while I’m away.

 

Thank you Daddy,
For letting me go, again, this time with the one person I chooseand love, Daddy.
It took more than 5 years for you and mom to give me and Marvin your blessings. We fought, and we didnt even spoke for a while. I never hate you or mom for that Daddy. Because deep inside, i know you and mom. I understand your reasons. You want the best for me. I just hate the yelling, the temper, the fighting and the unnecessary words out of it. But Daddy, i know someday you will accept him. Marvin reminds me a lot of you, Daddy. It’s just unfortunate thing that he’s not a bataknese. I know you are so proud of being Bataknese, Daddy. So do I. But i’m sorry i can not find or love any bataknese guys, Daddy. I told you i try. But Daddy, i can not be happier the day you give your blessings to us, Daddy. I will remember that day, when we talked on our dinning table. You told me Marvin, I’m your most precious gift, the only daughter you have. And you asked him if he is a beliver and have a good faith in Him. And you told him to take best care of me, to love me and never neglected me. And finally you asked us, Marvin and I, to living the life the best we could. I remember everybody’s cried, especially you and Marvin. A promise from man to man. An deep, loving hug between my two great men in my life. I must be the luckiest person on earth.

 

Thank you,Daddy.
For everything.
As much as i miss you now, as much as i want you to be on my wedding and walk me down to the aisle,Daddy…..i’m really grateful and so blessed to have a great dad like you in my life. I know you’ve been trying so hard to hang on. I’m sorry i can not be around lately Daddy. I’m sorry i cant make things go faster, or any easier for you at the end of your life. Forgive me, Daddy. But i hope you know how much i love, adore and respected you.

I know you already happy now up there Daddy. I know this time, you’re ready. No more pain, no more sorrow. Have fun and good time up there in heaven, Daddy. You will stay in my heart and our heart, Daddy.  Your memories will live through my life, Daddy. I will take good care of momma. Until we meet again, Daddy. Someday, we will be altogether, in our Father house.

Thank you Daddy, for being you, for being a great and wonderful dad…..

Thank you for everthing, Daddy.

Thank you for giving me more than enough reasons that i proudly can say;
my dad was great man.

Rest in Peace, Daddy.
I love you, and miss you so much.

In memoriam,
My Dad,
Drs.Sahat Marulitua Hutagaol
Pangkalpinang, October 2, 1938 – Jakarta, November 19,2010

one of zillion things about love

Being us does not mean we have to change “me” and ” you”

The cliche always says love needs lots of understanding. Well, when love becomes more less abstract and re-form into marriage, i think it needs more than understanding. Understanding (at least, to me) is more to the terms of acknowledgement. What i’m about to say, if you love someone, you know (supposely) the best and the worst of that person, his/her characteristics, attitudes, behaviours, and (mentally) problems. Knowing is about acknowledge the FACT AND REALITY. And maybe, you do understand about all of those (since you get to know the person, and you probably know about her/his pasts, historical backgrounds, childhood stories and yadda, yadda, yadda….). But, when you do know, and do understand about something or some facts…..doesn’t mean you can ACCEPT and know how to HANDLE or DEAL .

For example: you do know your loved one is sloppy and never clean up after himself, and you do understand why he is sloppy ( because he’s the youngest one in the family and his mom always clean up after him that is why he’s a sloppy spoiled brat) and you do understand, as a nice, loving  spouse it’s one of his flaws and nobodoy’s perfect and you just have take him just the way he is (like some lyrics in that sappy cheesy mellow love songs that seriously you want to bang your head to dashboard if you hear it one more time but cant help it since somehow some stupid radio stations always thinks it’s cool to play them over and over again in the oldies sesions…) *blabbering; and take a deep breath before continue*…but does not mean you can accept it that his sloppiness can be tolerated and does not mean you can handle your anger and can hold yourself not to yapping and yelling when his sloppiness get in to your last nerves.

By the way, the example of behaviour about the sloppyness, is just an example. Even the character is not a myth and the study case can be a fact and true story, I am not (intend to) referring to anybody, or anyone whatsoever. *put down boyfriend’s picture smiling in frame*

Ok, back to the topic.

So, just to understand and accepting (including knowing the facts and problems) is not good enough….and here comes the next level question: Can you handle and deal with the problems? Maybe handle and deal is waaaay too much, because as we know it, problems will tag along as long as we live and handle and deal with the problems are the biggest and fun parts of life itself. Maybe this questions more accurate: CAN WE LIVE WITH THOSE?

So if you in a process of a relationship and intend to go to the next level being a couple  ( and married and happily in love, i hope and wish) maybe this quick cheat formula will come to help:

KNOWING -> UNDERSTANDING -> ACCEPTING ->DEALING ->HANDLING->ADJUSTING->NEVER ENDING PROGRESSIVE ADJUSTMENT OF LIVING WITH EACH OTHER

Yes, people MIGHT change. (rolling eyes) but, only God knows when (sometimes how). We, human can only try. And you, if you’re think that you’re still human , you still have the same ability as others, you can only try and hope it works. And if you think that you might want to give it a try, think again: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO CONTINUE TO GIVE THE ATTEMPT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? (and there’s no guaranteed whatsoever the problems going to solved)

So, if you know your couple is  a cheater, and you’re a monogamy type kinda person, think again.

if you know your couple is a lazy bum, and you’re mister/misses super driven and independent, think again.

if you know your couple  is a snob, pretentious and always put his/her image above all among his friends and you are just a laid back person…..think again.

If you know your couple is having big problem with anger management and abusive person, and you come from tender, loving and caring family (even you’re not), don’t just think again. Run away. Immediately. Call the police if necessary.

I’m not a big fan of all theories and logical stuff, and i know love do needs some adjusment and sacrifactions, but we all also know that we CAN NOT  change characters and people in a matter of blink of an eye. And i don’t think in order to make relationship works, we have to work our ass off, busy focusing to “REPAIR” somebody (that might already broken and can not be fixed).

A person, is not a social project to do some research, to be fixed, to be created.
And you, not a HERO, a SAVIOUR, an ANGEL, especially a GOD who can do that.

Changing your couple in to a better person is a good thing. Every efforts in a relationship to make progress and process to be better “us” is a good thing.
But the thing is, we sometimes forget and loose the points to make our adjusment, to build understanding in our relationship, and to fight to bring the best out of our other half.

What is the  point and the intention of changing is always come to first question. If  the point is not giving any effect to “being better us”, let’s just step back and rethink about it. If it’s just to satisfy your ego, or it’s just you who can’t deal with his/her flaws or minus attitudes, or it just you can’t stand and it goes to your nerve, or it’s just to satisfy some other people surrounding you, maybe you should re-think to do it.

Anyway, i’m not married (but keep on praying for the day to come) and maybe i sounded like Dr. Phil wannabe, on air in a cold saturday morning, and of course i dont have an experience of married before, but i put this on my blog, just to reminder to help some of my friends who keeps struggling in relationship, fighting to make cirque-de-soleil-acrobatic-adjustments, some serious sacrifactions,and ended up to nothing but broken hearted and self-pity regrets.

As a victim of a destructive relationships for 4 years herself, i owed it to my self to warn you all (especially) my lovely girlfriends, not being A Xena Warrior Princess (or Florence Nightingale; you choose, i like Xena’s costume better )  in a relationship. It’s tiring and you’ll ended up exhausted and not happy.
A relationships needs two to tango. It’s a both ways work on progress. And it needs a good work from each one to bring the best of himself/herself. And this should come from free-will from each person, no forced task.

So, the resume of my blabbering that much:

• Knowing, Understanding, Accepting your couple is not enough.
  
• There’s the need of good efforts to “dealing” and “handling” in both ways.
• Just assuming, imagining, hoping someone will change in relationship is not enough either.
  
• And being “us” needs a lifetime progress of adjustment being “you” and “me”
• Being a better “us” needs a better “you” and “me” separately, different human being who still needs to work on his/her own, with free-will and forced tasks. (helps, supports and encouragements can be apply); PLUS
• Being a better” us” needs a good collaboration of “we”.
  

Yes, this one is for you. You are a smart one, you know what to feel, to think and to do. I have my best trust in you.

Little Miracle at Lunch

So i was in bad mood lately. That unavoidable annoying guest with regular visits a.k.a Miss PMS is about to come. Badan super bloating dan perutnya penuh air sampe bunyi2 kucruk kucruk kayak Mrs. Puff dr Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie, napsu makan yang membabi buta dan laperrrr terus kayak Eithiopian hunger victims, dan semuanya mau dimakan sampe kayaknya meja enak juga dijadiin cemilan, mood swing yang jumpalitan kayak roller coaster, ditambah kram perut dan kaki yang on off kayak abis jadi kuli di pasar. Combine all of them together, seriously i’m ready to hurt somebody just for a simple one touch. Pokoknya, Senggol-Dikit-Bacok. Seraaaaaam memang, macam gerwani PKI…padahal kan G30 S udah lewatt *mulai melantur*

Tapi, sebenernya nihhhhh…Miss Lemontea tau banget itu smua salaaaaah. Makanya dari kemaren mencoba dengan usaha sekuat tenaga jiwa dan raga buat jaga mood dan emosi. Mencoba untuk kalemin diri yang susyahh sekali deh. Dan somehow, dari kemaren, ada ajaaa hal2 kecil yang kayaknya malah justru bikin tambah rusuh kisruh. Try to think happy-happy-joy-joy-grateful-grateful-take a deep deep breath-count your blessings-thinking happy place-tetep gak nolong-gimana dong.

Dan saya pun harus tetap bangun pagi2 dengan badan retak2 seribuan gitu, secara kan emang musti kerja romusha di dungeon of hell from 9 to 5. (full drama). Enggak tau untung apa malah rugi, hari ini kerjaan lagi sepiiiiii sehingga berasa leleeeeet banget sampe sempet curiga ini jam idup apa mati ya, soalnya 5 menit berasa sejam….biarpun si Neng Lemontea kerja hari ini bisa sambil chatting sama handai taulan sodari2 sekalian di tanah air merdeka merdeka nun jauh disana. Akhirnya, jam makan siang pun tiba, dan Neng Lemontea bisa makan dan duduk2 di luar karena the weather sedang lumayan keceh dan lumayan anget.

Sambil duduk2 dan chatting an sama Neng Dindun, alias adek sepupu saya yang nocturnalnya parah stadium 4 alias masih demen melek jam 2 pagi ngalahin satpam begadang, tiba2 topiknya pun saling bercerita tentang cuaca, dimana konon katanya di jakarta sedang hujan badai dan dinginnn ajah. Lalu iseng deh motret2 pake hinpun just for the sake of it, and to show my dear little cousin the warm gorgeous weather hari ini.

Laluuu…..sejepret dua jepret iseng…..dapetlah iniiiiiii

Be Still and Know that I AM GOD.

Dan gue pun sempet zoom in berkali2 just to make sure its not my eyes or i’m hallucinating or something. It’s a beaming cross, from the sun rays peeking through the trees. The light is bright and there’s a reddish sun rays beaming formed a cross surrounding it.

Its amazing how the Big Boss up there try to send me message, to cheer up and lighten up my mood. And somehow, with little miracles like this, i’m deeply touch and feel a little pinch in my heart, to be always grateful, grateful and count every blessings. It’s a reminder that He’ll always here, there, everywhere and not a single second He leaving us all alone.

For He is good all the time for me and for us.

Thank you, Lord. You are truly an amazing God. And thank you for making my day.

Yess…i’m instantly feel so happy and cheery again after lunch.

Have a blessed day, everyone

 

PS:
And I also promise, i refused to let silly little thing (like Miss PMS) ruin my days and make me stop to feel blessed and grateful.
Take that, you Miss PMS!

 

Alive again, please.

Life is getting tougher lately, and how sometimes i wish i could be more like my old self again. Missing my own laughter and my lively life. Today i read blogs of my friends, and i feel even more estranged than ever. I feel so old, useless, lame, boring, vanishing and dead inside. My creativity died who-knows-when, i lost my passion at everything i once love.

I want my old self back again so bad
i want to talk and laughs hysterically-until-my-tummy-hurts-and-my-mouth-almost-cramped with my friends like there’s tomorrow
i want to dancing-and-painting-at-the-same-time-until-i-can’t-catch-my-breath like i used to
i want to write more happy things rather than pathetic sappy things like this
i want to smile from ear to ear
i want to play with creativity and design something cool that i can’t keep my self not to stare at my own work
I WANT TO BE ALIVE AGAIN, PLEASE.

Yet i feel so dead inside and my God, it’s bored to the bone.

I’m letting go

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

Fransesca Battistelli

Keep on fighting needs bravery and strong will, but surrender in Lord takes good faith and trust to let God takes control in life…and plus bigger courage to believe to see what will happen and embrace it.

I’m tired being scared to loose people i love before i can make them happy.
I’m tired being scared what will happen next.
I’m tired being anxious about my future.
I’m tired being worried not to fulfill my dreams.
I’m tired being measured, compared, judged to meet the world’s standard.

I’m exhausted wanting all the good things in life just because the sake of pride.
I’m exhausted reaching the top just to satisfy my own or other people ego.
I’m exhausted to create perfection just to please everybody else.

I’m tired to play catching up with the good, the better, and the best.
I’m tired to keep an eye on my life’s agenda that get even more crowded.

I’m tired to keep everything in my life on track that become more complicated.
I’m tired to push dreams that don’t belong to me.

I’m sick of being scared and worried all the time.

Distorded dreams

I don’t know how we’re going to make it

The dreams, our dreams that seems too big right now

Too bright it blinds my self i can see nothing no more,

Too sweet it starts giving me heartache.

The works and all the efforts seems bring only more confusion

The hope that seems closer to desperation.

Tired, exhausted are the current feelings.

But deep inside there,

I know i still have Him, my faith, you and people who’s been praying for us.

Just a few

Not too many to make me stop from crying

Or stop worrying and having anxiety in some particular bad days.

And one of those worst days

I would stay speechless and dont know what to say or do.

But at least i know

Those few little blessings

Enough to make me want to stand up and try again.